I had the best birthday ever.
I don't like posting on social media for self inflicted reasons, but this is a perfect outlet that I have where most of the time, the only person I'm writing to is myself.
In that case, I'll say it again. My day was perfect.
I start every day with low expectations, especially this one. Getting your hopes up is the most terrifying thing to me. I've instilled a coping mechanism to avoid just that. This day made me want to forget all about my insecurities about life.
I fell asleep around three this morning; I write like I have an audience, and since I have so much free time to do so I take so much advantage of time. I shut my laptop begrudgingly almost every night, and this night was like no other. Of course, I took time to roll my eyes at what date it was, but after that I was snoring. My dad came in around four, since he leaves around five every morning to go work in the city. The light follows him into my dark room, and he's got two fingers on a bill. He whispers, "happy birthday, old lady," or something of that nature and tells me he's going to give me money to spend on something nice. I took it, gratefully but with sleep still in my eyes, and set it on my bedside desk figuring the bill had Andrew Jackson on it. Nope; the president on the bill was Ben Franklin, and I hadn't known that until my sister had noted the worth of it when she had came in to lay with me.
I was kind of annoyed at her for missing school, but she convinces herself to do things and runs with it, falling back on her stubbornness whenever someone hints at how irrational the decision may be. But as the morning went on, I was incredibly appreciative that she had decided to chose this day to miss so that she could spend the day with me.
Emma's not good with paragraphs, and I'm obsessed with them, so she had taken my love for them into consideration and had started to form one, but verbally, and not in a social media post. Disclaimer: our humor is terrible and morbid, so this is probably not funny to anyone else besides her, my close friends and I. But word for word, she had said: "I can't wait for you to move to Tennessee, and take your life." I couldn't stop laughing, in all honesty. I knew she had meant something to the degree of, "I can't wait for your life to take off," but that was how she had phrased the statement and I literally bursted into laughter about it at least a handful of times after the fact.
She had me watch an episode of the brand new series The Act on Hulu, which I do not regret. Usually I watch TV as a coping mechanism (I have a lot of those) but this was incredibly interesting to watch.
My older sister, Alison, had called and I talked to her for a while. I think she feels guilty that she couldn't hang out with me today due to car difficulties, but she wished me a happy birthday and I appreciated it more than she'll ever know.
The first episode of the show Emma and I were invested in was almost over when we checked our phones and our friend, Kaitlin had asked if Emma wanted to ride to Cicero with her. I would've went, but my best friend, Mattia, had just gotten back from a road trip from Florida and needed to go "somewhere" today and I had already planned to go with her. Instead, Kaitlin brought me to our town's elementary school to pick up my youngest sister, Adrianna. Adri was going to hang out with Kaitlin while Emma was at her Future Soldier Training (which is a weekly event).
While I waited for Mattia to nap and settle back in New York before I left with her, I filmed myself on Snapchat. Weird, I know, because I don't have an audience, but the mere action gives me confidence boosters. I am, by far, not a smooth talker. So this is my sort of therapy I have for myself to get better at it.
When Mattia came, after talking to myself like the crazy introvert that I am, we were off. I had suspected we were going to a suburb of the city, one that Mattia frequents- probably a lot less than I give her credit for- but I had suspected she was going to run an errand for someone before we met with the rest of the girls to eat somewhere. Nope.
She brought me to a bookstore.
If you know me, that's a dangerous thing to do. I feel so in my element at a bookstore, I am so in love with reading it's unnatural. I've always felt like being at home is unnatural for me, but I'm slowly starting to not be so invested in feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, Mattia had said she was going to buy a book for me, and give me a gift card at Dunkin, because I love my mediocre drink I get there every Thursday because of Emma's Future Soldier Training. She knew the way to my lame ass heart.
We spent so much time in the store, and she bought the book that I had specified when asked what I had wanted (before I told her I wanted nothing). We also, I have no self control, purchased three other surprise books. The worker there had been unreasonably nice to two normal kids that have always been so awkward and yet so appreciative of every little kind gesture.
We persuaded Kaitlin, Emma, and Adrianna to come to one of the neighboring towns that Mattia and I had found ourselves in, with my dad accompanying us. We sat and ate dinner at a take-out Chinese place, laughed too loudly, and invested ourselves in food we probably shouldn't be eating. I'm a cheapskate, I always have been, so when I looked at the price I had wanted to take the remnants of the money my dad gave me for my birthday and forfeit it. I still do and probably will. They're leaving for Puerto Rico tomorrow! The butterflies in my stomach just for their nearing adventure had been a key detail to my day as well.
During dinner, I had mentioned dying my hair back- as in back, buying cheap boxes of hair dye at the dollar store and painting my foot long, orange locks in it and praying. I didn't care though, maybe one day I will care more about my hair. I also bought this soap I cannot wait to try, I offhandedly purchase things a lot for also being too cheap for my own good.
We went back to my house, and Mattia colored my hair, while Kaitlin sat and we talked one another's ears off for hours. Emma was getting annoyed due to having to sleep for her flights tomorrow with dad, but of course I was being annoying and disregarding the need. Again, morbid humor and the comfortability we have between one another allows things like this to occur. I also talked to my grandmother briefly, who talked to me about Tennessee, and giving me money for my trip April 9th. Again, the future gives me butterflies.
I told Mattia today about leaving as well, and she was more supportive of me than I thought she was going to be. I don't like to talk about things that only involve me, so that was in the back of my head the whole time I was talking about this trip, and about life, and the pursuit of happiness (sorry I love this ideology).
When my hair was finished, it came out darker than I had thought it was going to. But I'll definitely get used to looking in the mirror and having darker hair than my skin.
I talked with my family so much today. I can't wait to be given more opportunities to talk to them. I can't wait for the opportunity to blossom my relationship with my aunt in Tennessee. And to my mama: I wish you were here. You're my missing piece, and I mourned your company today, through morbid humor that you would have as well if you were here. I love you very much, my guardian angel.
I need these people. I realized this with every part of me, and have before. I cannot believe they give me so many reasons to brag about them, and the reasons multiply as the years do.
I love you all. So freaking much. I always speak with finality, like I don't have anything left. So sticking by me means so much. I'm not an easy person to love.
If you've read this far, you're a champ.
I will brag about my family to the ends of time. Have faith in that.
Much love to you all.
[Photo is of me. Conceited. I know. More like lively, living a life full of serendipity.]