Bored.
Scared.
Ruined.
Lazy.
Forgettable.
I've spent three days sleeping on my sister's couch. The first night I was here, she got dizzy. And then her dizziness progressed. She waited three days to go to the hospital. I hated not knowing what was happening to her; of course we had an idea it was hypertension, but we weren't doctors. Things weren't that definitive.
I was reminded about how in my perfect life that I envision, I could've been a doctor. Somewhere deep inside me, I know that I want to amount to something. I don't want to struggle with things that worth struggling over in adulthood.
I mean, I entered this adult life tired. Tired from my childhood. I do not want to put as much energy into my life as I had to being a kid. I've heard everywhere, up and down, that life is unfair. When is life fair? The answer is never. But why is life harder for certain people?
Life is as hard as you make it. I always have that idea stuck in the back of my head. All I've ever known was an underwhelming sense of self improvement. Overwhelming feelings pooling over that ideology like pouring soda into a cup too fast.
I squeeze myself into a construct; one where I think I have an infinite amount of tomorrows. Truth is, I do not. But I don't want to live my life as if today is my last day. I like the day-by-day notion that that quote has made, but I don't like the demise it points towards. The fear of death that I automatically associate the quote with. Who wants to live in fear? Not me.
To top the sundae with a cherry, I was talking to a friend today. The usual. And I inquired him about sleep, and when he answered that he didn't get any, I told him I was wishing that he wasn't tired. He messaged me back with words that keep boomeranging through my head. "Tired is a social construct". Boy. You're a genius.
People have a default setting (point stolen from David Foster Wallace's Commencement Speech with the same title as his book This Is Water). The questionnaire you always get in situations where they're more on the mandatory side. The long lasting days full of meetings, or the dreary school days, where you get asked about your well being. People always resort to passive, negative phrases to answer the questions. "I could be better", "It's going", "I'm tired, I didn't sleep". My closeted professionalism in my head screams that they're excuses. When you boil it down, they are.
Tiredness. When I say I am tired, it's not physically. It's mentally. And maybe that is what some people mean as well, but aren't you sick of being tired?
It's all I've ever known.
I spoke my mind today with my sister, spoke of thoughts I've kept hidden in my mind. About feeling like a failure, feeling like my life isn't starting, feeling like I have no talents.
Every day is like a muscle. You must fill each day with content to make the muscle stronger. You must give the day ways to strengthen and improve.
Don't stick to the normality of flabby arms, and clogged brains.
Don't be tired. Be full. Be ready. Be relentless.
[I can feel myself convert into talking about strictly music. But I found another gem of a song that is just a beautiful masterpiece. Alec Benjamin's "Outrunning Karma". I was first introduced to the song with an audio video on YouTube, of the image I used for this log. It's stunning, in more ways than one. It was hard to choose my favorite lyrics, but I chose both pre-choruses to quote in particular. "And he'll race for miles through the night
He runs because he knows he cannot hide," "Then he'll brace for battle in the night
They'll fight because he knows he cannot hide," Little does this metaphorical boy know that his biggest competitor is who he looks at in the mirror. The only person that allows him to avoid the struggles is him. The only person that gives him permission to run away from the problems that were most likely caused by himself is him. Don't be that boy.
Photo: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/306526318383056758/?lp=true
Video: https://youtu.be/aFqr-TWgeZc]