I don’t understand why people don’t look at other people’s differences with a warm belly and welcoming eyes.
In case my words are mistaken, the acknowledgement of people's differences is base level. I am aware you are different. In doing so, let's move on. No, I don't want to move on.
I want you to care. Seemingly too much to ask, right? My favorite saying. "Asking someone to do this certain task is like pulling teeth". And usually, it's not just someone, but someone who is stubborn about a certain task or who is stubborn in general. But why is asking people to step out of their comfort zones and going beyond just acknowledging differences like pulling teeth?
Because sometimes, we cannot even ask that of our parents.
Most adults that I meet have strained, tumultuous, or indifferent relationships with their parents or at least one of them. Take me. I was orphaned at sixteen years old, with a father shot 8 times in the back of the head at the age of 21. This happened when I was 3 days old. His mere existence was hidden from me until I was eleven by the same mother who left me earth-side when I was sixteen. All that I have left, which I am pinching my skin for saying this, is my father. My father who took me in. Who raised me as his own. Who doesn't have to actively correct himself when calling me his daughter, he just does it. A relentless, joking, loving, doting dad is who he is, and he wears it proudly. I love my dad so much.
I am still very conscious of the fact that he is here. He is aging, so am I, and I can sit with him and look back on times. Positive, shared, independent, and also negative times. Our viewpoints, safe to say, are different. There is some self-preservation within his words that I will never be able to shake out of him. "I did that because that was what I was supposed to do." No, dad, as a parent and person, I know that there are a million other ways that you could've went about it. Alas, I see you and you see me and that is all I need to continue our relationship and laugh and love each other. That is my best friend, through the bad and the good.
Needless to say-- but I am going to say this with my chest anyway-- I have sought out likeminded people my entire life. Or at the very least, people with similar life experiences. Unfortunately, I have been too specific about it, or I wasn't honest about my adversities like the people that I have met were about theirs. I saw how the adversities affected them; I offered empathy, I gave them space. And I feel like a broken record when I say this:
Where is that energy and why was I not given any of it back?
Hush, Aaliyah, bookmark that. I want to speak directly to a person who has given it back to me. To someone that has penetrated a piece of my soul that I never ever thought I was going to get back.
So here goes:
Hey, you. I see you. When was the last time you've heard those words? Oh, so quite a few times. But when was the last time you actually felt them? Yes, exactly. Never. Just like me. I know you know that I mean it when I say I see you. And that you have been overlooked your whole life. Because of your open-faced kindness, your soft eyes, your whole face laugh. They knew that that would still be there. They knew that those qualities of you would still make them feel good, even if they knew deep down that you have mastered the art of faking those qualities.
You don't have to fake them with me. I might seem reserved at times, or closed off, but that is only because I am overwhelmed, which is often. Your presence does overwhelm me, but in the best way possible. I am captivated by you, and I am so excited you and me will eventually turn into us. Finding home in people, and not in places, is reinstated for me because I met you. I feel like I have known you my whole life. And I have told you this before: only reason I am mad at you is because you took so long. I have never felt the missing puzzle piece feeling, and how empty that felt, until you filled that hole. That void.
I am the toxic one in this situation. Please don't let me shatter the glass you are made of. You are a delicacy, and I mean that in the upmost, flattering, masculine way that I can.
You are a gift. You are not a crutch that people pull and push to match their height. I am so sick of watching people let you meet them where they are. You should be met where you’re at.
I am certain I want this with you. I want to meet you where you are. I want to learn healthy coping mechanisms with you, since we have a lot but we always need more.
I choose you for your mental health struggles. For your insecurities. For your mistakes. For things as small as bad breath, tripping, jokes that don’t land as funny as others. For days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
I choose you for your passion to learn. For your hobbies and favorite shows. For your constant complimenting of me. For your switches in pace, but how you still want to fall head first.
I will catch you.
There are a million words I could say to you, a million explanations I could write. But I promise those will come in future times. As I could already write books about experiences I know I will share with you.
Hopefully I will find you in other lifetimes because the beginning feels so right that I never want there to be an ending.
[Image Description: it’s a drawing. Two mouths hovered in front of each other, black and white. In their open mouths space is a galaxy with planets. Their teeth and one of their noses are in the picture, the one with the nose appearing more masculine in my opinion. I could be wrong. People associate fuller lips with women most times. I don’t care about anyone’s lips besides my inspiration for this piece to be honest. Thank you for reading my essay. Go find your favorite pair of lips and share a galaxy with them.]