This entry started with my perplex emotions seeing a video about how this generation doesn’t kiss.
In every comment section of every online video, a lot of people are abrasive and essentially arrive to argue. Revolting most times, but refreshing some. One of the comments of this said video said they kiss, but they won't kiss just anyone.
I would have to agree.
I am a kisser. However, I do make kissing a big deal. Not to air out someone else's dirty laundry, but I grew up with a friend who kissed her parents on the mouth. I don't and have never kissed either one of my parents on the mouth. My dad made a big deal out of kissing us. Kissing was always just once on the cheek, and we would always ask to kiss him. I don't think I ever received kisses from him that he started.
I think growing up that way wasn't necessarily bad. I loved that my mom supported his comfortability sure, but I am also grateful that they didn't teach me to find kissing bizarre. Because despite being select about kissing, I still love kissing.
I made kissing my current partner a big deal. The first time we kissed, I asked to and when they said yes, I was so happy. And they did play the asking off. They made it seem like my question was nothing, like we were supposed to kiss. Which I didn't mind either. Our connection is incredibly mental, far more than I've ever had with my past people. Our timing has been cool, even though I do try to self-sabotage A LOT.
We kiss, and never just once. We don't kiss greeting each other (we probably eventually will), but we do see-you-later kisses. Which is one of my favorite parts of my day. Not leaving them but being able to freely be ourselves in private. Which private is valid. I don't think I will ever be flashy with my partner, but I won't hide them.
We are definitely waiting for time and acceptance, which subconsciously I am more than okay with. I just know that comparison is the devil.
My personal life only has to make sense to me.
Access is a privilege.
I think the older I get, the more I take access to me seriously. I have a filler job, one that I know that I'm either going to keep moving on up with, or eventually leave to pursue my education, which I do prefer the latter. I do also prefer not taking my job incredibly seriously, seeing as I am a single parent.
With being a parent however, I am constantly teaching these four concepts: access, privilege, consent, permission. I am so grateful for my trajectory in all four but loathe that I learned them the hard way.
My parents didn't teach me that shit. And I know that I would've been better off had they taught me. But as of today, I am grieving two out of the three parents I have so I take my education with a grain of salt instead of diving in and humbling myself. I think if I humble myself any more than I already have, I will dwindle down to nothing. I am more modest than I give myself credit for, I promise.
Wiping yourself clean of everyone else's journey trajectories in life is something you should make a habit out of. I constantly ask why my partner is taking forever to be on the same wavelength as me, but I've never expressed how I want them to make a big deal out of being with me. I want them to be proud of me as much as I am proud of them. And their growth from their past. I am madder about their past than they are, and I think as a partner I should be. I also think they hold space for my pains as well. Which is really fucking cool.
Being a lover and a leaver, a concept I've also seen on a large social media platform I won't name, is my most recent shared epiphany with a bunch of random beautiful people online. I love so deeply, and when I see the slightest bit of regression from people, I run. And I spoke about that in my previous post Runner Not a Drummer. Having that realization right now as I am writing this is causing me to giggle, because tell me why someone explained this phenomenon better than me. Envy feels like thorns on a rose, because I am so happy I have people that agree with me, but I also came to these conclusions myself, asshats! Sorry, sometimes I am salty.
I am not running from my current situation over the smallest thing. I refuse to. I trust that I will have the mental clarity to leave if I have to, or they have to, but I don't see that amounting to anything. I am just being honest. I love it over here, that's my baby, and they blind sighted me with such. A year ago, I would've laughed in your face had you told me I would be where I am right now. With a beautiful platonic soulmate and a beautiful lover, all from something so simple. Don't come in here and burst my bubble either which again I doubt will happen.
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Always.
Try a new food today and love said food.
I appreciate you and your stank ass breath.
Kidding.
I love you.
[Image Description: A white shirt adorns a back, lifted to see the lower portion then met with a pink cherry covered waistband to a pair of joggers. Then next to the body is a shiny blue blanket. The picture is sideways and I own it because it is me. My offspring took this photo amongst others very similar to this one are sprayed against the photo albums in my phone. He loves taking random pictures of me sleeping. That or his own foot. I chose this photo mainly because he anchors me as always, and seeing myself sleeping from his perspective reminds how precious he is and how he is my focal point as much as I am his. Reminders are valid and should be stunningly contrasting to really open your mind and understand just how beautiful your existence truthfully is.]