I told a guy that I liked him.
It's graduating season; mine to be exact. I've grown up and I've waited for this moment. To be validated far more than I ever have, and to get a diploma and start all those plans that I have had and been forced to predict in various classes. With that, comes graduation parties. Where you jam pack thirteen years into a few hours and try to invite the people who have stepped in and out of your eighteen years.
It's also the time where the people who have been there and are going to be there get to spend time with you and celebrate. It's no exception that I get to experience someone else's.
It's funny because last year I had spent three whole days at a "graduation party" that turned into a sleepover just because we had no freaking idea what came next. I didn't know it then because I was a junior, but it was kind of like "Woohoo. look at me! Here's my fancy diploma and my summer foods and photo collages! Oh, you want to leave? Alright, I'll just pack these away and get a job or go to college and be an adult, I guess?" It's crazy just how empty your life is the minute you're done with high school. It took up so much of it, whether that's good or not, and now high school has ended. The weight off your shoulders is gone, but now you're rubbing them until the next weights pile up.
And so, I went to another graduation party this weekend, and overextended my stay. I was met with a family that was unbelievably nice, a sibling who had their own agenda and in which you could see insight on their relationship with their senior sister/brother, and that senior who's newly graduated and doesn't particularly like all the attention they're receiving. I had a person close to me tag along, and they were the life of the party just like last year. I spent more than forty eight hours altogether either in a pool, or in front of a fire. And I went home and came to the realization that my schedule is embarrassingly free, my skin sticks to every surface I touch due to the weather, and I should probably work and earn money and not put my life on pause. History tends to repeat itself.
This one though, being a senior and all, was different. I have all my things together more than I did last year, I finished my senior year with the most beautiful bang that I could muster, and I'm going to freaking college and not taking a gap year. My family loves me! And is moving through their lives! It's so amazing.
But I know what I am lacking. A love life.
Many people would argue, and say that it's not necessary. And believe me, with the time that I've been in a relationship, it only equals seven months. Seven months out of 219 of them. I can live without a significant other. I have faith in that. But it doesn't mean that I see successful ones and don't picture myself in one of my own. That I don't want a person who's open to me wrapping my arms around them and not letting go and them being grateful for it at all times. That I don't want someone who follows my life closely without having an obligation to. That they love me because it feels right, not because our last names are the same from the start. The physicality of a relationship I think I am not afraid to admit that I desire it.
I don't want to come across as "desperate" either. Why is it because I want that, a group's perception of me may be that I'll give anyone a chance? That I'm possibly derogatory names, that I won't love someone because they're them but because I need to in order to feel like I'm fitting in? As preposterous as it seems, that is how some may view you! Ideologies of groups can be destructive! The negativity can be suffocating and may not allow free thought. That is how I can feel at times, but no. I'm not going to let it be continuous.
I told this boy that I liked him. He's moving on, and not used to relationships, and is becoming successful in his own way. He does not fit societal standards; he's not that MCE or that MCM just by appearance, or friend groups, or talents. He's so much more than that. He may be a candidate to fill what I am lacking.
I am not that WCW or WCE. And that couldn't feel any better to say. It feels amazing to not be branded, but to have originality and to be that girl who gets a surprise reaction, whether good or bad. I want someone to look at me and have all kinds of thought, whether they range from "she's not my type", "she's so *insert positive adjective complimenting my physical traits*", or "she can grow on me".
I want to find that person who is my own kind of everything. Not everyone else's significant other material. But mine. Nothing makes me happier than to see a couple that embodies that. That are what others may want as well.
Here's the pledge: We're going to crush on whoever we want and not be negligent of that void we are trying to fill. We're not going to let past experiences break us or our love lives. We are not going to be hung up on somebody that doesn't want us. We are not going to let what's trendy or what other people think choose our boyfriends/girlfriends/humans!
Say it with me.
[The picture is of one of the frames of the music video of Bad Wolves covering Zombie. The website let alone shows that I'm hopping on the bandwagon, since a lot of people love it, but this is one of the instances where being on the bandwagon is okay. Tommy Vext, the vocalist, is a precious soul, he's been through so much. One of the things being having to fight off his under the influence twin brother as he was trying to kill him and then testifying against him for it. And one of the other reasons for using this picture: the song presents the idea of moping around and not being okay with how society is and how vengeful it is yet again. "With their drones, and their bombs, and their guns... What's in your head, zombie?" This thing where you're not able to take charge and you're being this lifeless being just going through life, and the mere idea that you have perplexity is very tangible but not being used. https://www.irishcentral.com/culture/entertainment/dolores-oriordan-zombie-cover-bad-wolves]