To the Boy Who Used to Be The One

Our relationship felt obligatory, and I’d never want that to happen with someone who was supposed to be my forever.

When I was younger, I always thought that my true love would be someone with an opposite personality. One that complimented mine, that made me see the different sides of situations and embrace the fact that there was no one else that had the same thought processes as me.

But when you came into my world, you flipped it upside down. You convinced me to change my traditional thinking. And for a minute, I was so set on it being a good thing.

You laughed at the same things, you loved your family and bragged about them as much I did, you'd put anyone and everyone before you in a heartbeat like I stressed. When I read your responses, it was like I was talking to myself, oddly enough. 

We had a slow start; I was infatuated with you from the beginning and it took you three months for you to even call me pretty. There's nothing wrong with that, but the fact that we were falling in totally different directions and so blinded at what the other felt because our own emotions had took a toll on us made me feel so guilty for the duration of our relationship.

After talking for so long, we became official when we hung out for the first time. I was so excited by your presence and all you wanted to do was cling onto me, like I was going to disappear if you let go. I found it wicked endearing at first, but as I stated, I slowly didn't want it. 

You were obsessed with me. You constantly informed me about how beautiful my smile was to you, and how my body was impeccable and you would never stop thinking that. You told me good morning, and I said it back with a cute nickname that solely belonged to you and that still comes up as a suggestion in my phone keyboard.

As I hung out with you more, I proved my first impression of you wrong. You wanted something so mature and I couldn't picture having a relationship like that. I couldn't picture my second relationship being my last one.

It’s almost like the fall out of this relationship was my fault. I ended it, it has to be. But I’ve never been so ignored in my life. You couldn’t read body-language; you made me feel like my mind was inferior and all I could ever possibly be good for was on the outside.

You lashed out when I broke it off. It would’ve made sense had it been your first reaction, but it was your last. I remember reading the words on my phone screen, and wanting to shut my eyes and never open them again, they burned so much. I thought you were this teddy bear; this innocent human being who might’ve thought inappropriate things were funny, but you yourself wasn’t supposed to be obscene. In that moment, you contradicted every compliment you had ever given me.

Yet I’m thankful. Thankful for your existence. Thankful for the terrible way we met. Thankful that I was able to experience the epitome of everything that I didn’t want in a human being. 

I want someone who is able to know when I’m uncomfortable, who knows when something bothers me enough to shut me up.

You weren’t that. And as I sit here and still feel guilty for bashing you like this, I pray that I’ll never be in a situation even remotely close to the one you put me in ever again.

Sincerely,

the girl who knows what she wants and won't settle for anything else