look back at it!

07/19/2024: I very purposefully do things. I very purposefully became a mother. I very purposefully choose songs for each of my entries (even when I was 18, I did this, and I am 24 now). I just really want to stress why I choose these songs; they mean SO much to me. And what better way to do this then to put my beautiful creation as the first photo on this part of my website. I will be posting my reasonings in chronological order. So, let's start with arguably the DUMBEST entry there is on here: the first.

To The Person Who Can't Love Who's In The Mirror:

Age I Wrote This: 17                                       Inspiration: The Popular Kid in My Specialized Class 

Song Choice #1: Rag 'N' Bone- Human 

I can't tell you specifically whether or not I started placing the artist in front of the song title immediately, but I do remember the thought process. I can also absolutely attribute my need to make people feel special to this entry and to the thought process I had with putting the artist first. I like that. Because as many people don't realize, authors write books and throw them out into the universe. Without rhyme or reason, they untangle their brain from their work soon after, forgetting bits and pieces of what exactly they put in their books. They register in their brains that a past version of them wrote the piece, even if it’s them subconsciously doing such. So, I prefer to highlight the artist. And also highlight connectivity in the same breath. This song is such a catalyst. I love artists that aren't conventionally attractive and who push their words out from the deepest parts of their soul. You cannot tell me that you don't believe every lyric in this man's song. He emphasizes the ideology that we all make mistakes, and we all have given to our bodies, we all give to our brains, we all feel like we just can't get life right sometimes. And, with the popularity of the song came my response to put this as the first song suggested on my music page. I wanted to scream at this guy, who was popular for a reason (many, he's kind of a loser now for actions I won't disclose on here), that this song was popular for a reason. You are not alone in your battle within yourself. Lean into that battle and use it as a step on the ladder to the way up, not an entry into the abyss your teenage ass wanted to be swallowed by. FUN FACT: He reposted this entry on one of his personal pages, and took my entry as a compliment, which quite literally, wasn't a compliment but honestly a way to relax my frustration with him and the world and that class. I'll probably elaborate sooner or later on why he's a cornball to me now, but it's looking like a millennium will pass before I talk about him specifically again. And it won't be about him, but about me, and how he took a piece of me with him that year. As did a lot of people that year. Moving on....

Song Choice #2: James Arthur- Recovery

I LOVE THIS MAN. I will obviously never personally thank him for how much he made me feel seen in this time period of my life but thank you thank you thank you, you talented specimen and the team you have behind you. This was me very much still yelling at the popular guy, that you design your future, and you fight and choose yourself every day even when all the odds are lined up against you. This song comes from an urgency you won't find in my first song choice. The way the verses are sang. The rhythm sounds like he's checking items off a list, like I acknowledge all of my odds, I acknowledge that I have been ignoring them lately, and I kind of should stop doing that. But I've got to go, I've got to get away from all this hatred, all of this adversity, and I HAVE to pave a way for myself that only works for me. I have to also be proud of that shit and OWN it. Something my popular kid never did. In that time period. Now, he's doing the best he can do career wise, I guess. Congratulations, buddy. Keep going. As much as that 17-year-old me deserved to be acknowledged and deserved friendship that you couldn't offer me, 24-year-old me does love the updates that I get from social media. 

Song Choice #3: Linkin Park- Breaking The Habit

This one stings a little. Hi Chester. When I am writing this, you've been gone for seven years now, as of yesterday. A little creepy if you believe in numerology, also my uncle shared a birthday with you, and also took his life, and I am aware I could be finding a coincidence where there isn't one, but I honor you and him and your loved ones you left behind. I feel like this song choice stings just a little more too because I was speaking to people who struggle with mental health issues in writing my entry, and you spent a whole life fighting your inner demons and there is no way I will ever be okay with saying you lost your battle. Yes, that might be what is written on your death certificate, but each battle in a war means something, if not everything. This song is evidence that as much as depression pulled you one way, it can be pulled the other way as well. Chester gave us gifts and gifts with all of these songs and this band, and so did the others. HE's helped break the habits. I placed this song choice in here with the intention of wanting Mr. Wanna Be Phenomenon to break his habits. Again, to choose himself and all that he deserves. Do it for Chester. For Jeremy, my uncle. For Aubreigh, in today's world. I hope he spreads mental health awareness now in his everyday life as much as our classmates did for him. The support they showed him is admirable to this day.

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Why Being a Stan to Something is So Important

Age I Wrote This: 17                                   ___________________________        Inspiration: Me, Myself and I 

Song Choice #1: Troye Sivan- We’re My OTP

Firstly, the inspiration for this one I am unreasonably proud of. I was always boy oriented growing up. Seeking validation from a population I remain having a hard time understanding. So to focus on writing and to branch out is so important to me and this needs to be noted. Moving forward, I have a hard time keeping up with trends and abbreviations for things that our generation has come up with. For the life of me, I couldn’t stop saying “On The Phone” reading the abbreviation above, but somehow it was created to stand for “One True Pairing”. Which contradicts itself in a million ways. One True Pairing supports the existence in soulmates and people who are meant to be together, no matter what hardships they face or who they see in the middle of everything. Personally, I loved me some One Direction (influenced heavily by my best friend, who turned on her mom’s computer one day and pointed out 5 young men and told me to pick one to which I gladly did). Being a fan of them opened up so many avenues for me. And for my best friend. We could really disassociate from the world around us and delve into lives that we didn’t know. We could cope with so many hard feelings by just ignoring them and listening to catchy songs, and watching interviews, and critiquing vocals. Seeing the advocacy they’d attempt to have, the cultures they would try to acknowledge. How rapidly they became a global phenomenon will always stay a shock to me. But to see it happening from my corner of the world, was something I’m thankful for. Troye also was a quick phase in the maze of our fangirling. Him and Connor Franta, along with JC Caylen and Kian Lawley. Throw Tyler Oakley into there. Troye had a humility to him that was hard to replicate, especially with having any type of status in the media. When he started singing and really leaning into that world, I was so proud of him. It surprises me that this specific song isn’t on Spotify. However, I am afraid that I am finally starting to age myself with these songs. 

Song Choice #2: Rixton- Make Out

This is also one you cannot find on Spotify. I felt alone when I ventured out and started liking bands on my own that my best friend didn’t like or know about, but I still did it. These guys are not very mainstream; however, they do have a song a good amount of people would know. Some people might know Hotel Ceiling by them, but Me and My Broken Heart would be the one you might get away with playing in a public place and having people sing. These guys ended up only having one album as far as I can tell on their discography on Spotify, but I am not willing to take the time to find out just right now. I would’ve been able to do so when I was writing this, but I didn’t. Putting this song here just mainly tells me that I really enjoyed Rixton at the time and wanted to plug them into this entry as representation of my interest in bands spanning out. 

Song # 3: One Direction- Nobody Compares 

I loved listening to their music and letting the idea of this type of love flood the gates of my brain and put me into a delusion that I’d find this somewhere and I’d find it fast. Spoiler alert, I did not. I think, at 24, I’m closer to finding a fairytale love than I was typing on a purple laptop and shamelessly believing what the tabloids wrote about these poor innocent young men just trying to live their best lives. I think they are just as grateful for this part of their lives as they are grateful that it is over. So, to an extent I can relate. Being 17 sucked. I’m glad it is over. But the gratitude I have for this time in my life also stems from me admitting that I deserved more than to just obsess over bands and crush on boys that are astronomically out of reach (not out of my league because as wise women once said, “can’t a bitch tell me nothing!”). Wise words to live by as well in this song. Nobody compares to you. Or your mother. Or your cousin. They just don’t. 

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To The Boy Who Used to Be The One:

Age I Wrote This: 17             ___________________ Inspiration: My First Relationship After My Mom Died

Song Choice #1: Naughty Boy ft Bastille- No One’s Here To Sleep

To be blissfully reminded of this song brings light into my life that I didn’t know was possible. This was my jam. Bastille’s singer is in the top 10 list of my favorite vocalists. The intention behind his voice, the accent he has, the content of the songs he sings. The best thing everyone thinks to sing about is love but all of the other song topics in between is really where it’s at. Or to even compare your love to other outlandish scenarios, like comparing how tumultuous your love could be to Pompeii is crazy in itself. But people took to it. I believe that’s why I chose this to be one of the songs. This boy wanted a mature relationship with me, in such a way where I could say “you were always faster than me, I’ll never catch up to you,” like the lyrics in this song say. The dramatic sounds in this song too also help me sit with the fact that my feelings were intense, my defensiveness prefaced all of the future situations I’d find myself in, and that my passion and drive for something more but at MY pace, is still here. Don’t mind me while I put this song on replay for the next few days. 

Song Choice #2: Breaking Benjamin- Breath

I am so excited to express my love for this specific music genre. The turmoil, the screaming, the breathy vocals. The passion, the fear but the strength to tread on anyway. The mere principle that men dominated this genre, with emotions so ferocious and tenacious it seems a woman is behind the meaning of them all. I was angry. Mostly at myself. I was angry that I was presented with a guy that wanted me and wanted all of me, and I was nowhere near ready for that. I do hold accountability for the breakup (I have since late November 2016) but I also hold grace for myself and understand that I had lost my mom a month prior. I constantly dabble in dividing my life into two. Before my mother and after my mother. He was a casualty in the transition process. He wanted a butterfly out of a caterpillar. We have both done some immense growing since all of this. However, I am still angry. And this song is still very much applicable to my life, just not this situation anymore. 

Song Choice #3: Alicia Keys- In Common

I really devoured with this song choice. Especially going on to see my dating life and how much I searched to find people of the opposite sex that I related to. Stemming from my childhood of religious, domestic, and sexual trauma, men just weren't in the cards for me. Or so I thought. But when 16 came and went, parading boys around me that either got sick of dating the same girls, or saw me as a challenge, I finally considered the possibility that boys might just like me. For my frizzy curls, my uneven front teeth, my curves too mature for the eyes of men my age. My dark, beaty eyes and bushy eyebrows, and lips not too small but not very big. I even went on to find a boy (after this one) where our lives felt shockingly parallel. So much so, we even looked similar. Carried ourselves similar. Let's bookmark that one though, because I am certainly getting ahead of myself. Alicia even being biracial and having a point in her life where she was attending public events without heavy makeup on, inspired me enough to use her song. Because what is a strong beautiful woman without the pretense of understanding that if you don't have a friend group or a home, MAKE ONE.  

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An Open Letter to My Mom on the Anniversary of Her Death

Age I Wrote This: 17              ____                                 Inspiration: Mama Being Gone for a Whole Year

Song Choice #1: Ed Sheeran- Supermarket Flowers 

This song is so touching, but as much as it is touching, I kind of feel wrong for using the song to dedicate to my mother's passing. My mom didn't pass from an illness that she couldn't help, at least that is what a lot of people perceive what her situation must have been. Overdose means you had options. But it was an illness. It took my mother. It took someone I needed and that I need. I think that time will harden me, but if anything, it makes me incredulous. This 17-year-old girl that wrote this was going through this loss with only a year dividing seeing her mother's physical form and then her being gone as quick as she was here. This girl wanted a clear cut, perfect, cookie cutter grief journey. One the older version would find honorable. But that shit plays out in my head as a damp, lonely, isolated time. I thank Ed though, for creating something that still makes me feel validated in my grief, and makes it feel tangible and like I am not alone in missing someone that I have to spend more than half of my life remembering and not seeing.

Song Choice #2: Metallica- Enter Sandman

The sole reason behind putting this song in the entry is because my mom loved Metallica. My mother’s music taste is by far one of my favorite attributes of that woman. She could party her socks off (I am aware of the corniness of that phrase but alas I will leave it). However, I will add an anecdote regarding my sister and going to the state fair last year. What I’d give to do something as little as go to the New York State Fair with my mother. Anyway, my sister as we were walking back to the car heard the same thing in the distance as me. Rock music. It was dark, warm, our faces full of makeup that started to blend and smudge on our faces. It took everything in us not to cry, but reassurance seeped in her broken voice as she said, “I knew we were going to miss who was playing at the Chevy Court.” And unbeknownst to her, I had also wanted to stop and just sit to listen to music that my mom enjoyed in her lifetime. My anxiety of the uncertainty, paired with what to not expect in the mass of people that are at the state fair, I placed my want to connect with my mother on the back burner. In instilling that, comes the fear within me to forget the fire that kept my mother alive for so long. I have a fucking responsibility to never forget such and her memory is a constant reminder to live life to the fullest. To stay longer than 42 years here, my fire is so important and I wish hers wasn’t put out as quick as it was. 

Song #3 G-Eazy ft Bebe Rexha- Me Myself & I 

This song choice I find hilarious. Dark humor hilarious though. I have a memory, very distant in comparison to events I know for a fact happened, where my mom is singing this. Is she in the car? Is she in the store? Is she walking down the road with all of us? I very much appreciate my memory, however I doubt it quite often. Who is telling me my mother sang this song once offhandedly? Is it my inner child who remembers her loud booming voice chastising me? The same child who constantly sought refuge in the same person with their kisses and “I love you more”s? Or is it the hopeless adult clinging with white knuckles onto their son’s grandmother and wanting everything in the world for them to interact and just knowing but never accepting that this will never happen? Two people who changed my life and their lives are parallel. I just want to scream. Time is bullshit when it comes to a grief journey. Almost 8 years later and I’m in tears over the aforementioned thoughts. I need my mama. Where does all this fucking love go? I’m also grateful for this song because I can apply the lyrics of it to my mentality and my hardships. Understanding that it’s been only me, that I work hard and strive to do better every day. I am so proud of myself and you cannot tell me any different, only person I listen to is looking back at me in the mirror. 

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Love & Its Intensities

Age I wrote this: 17                       Inspiration: I thought I proved the world wrong in having a guy best friend

Song Choice #1:  MAX ft gnash- Lights Down Low

To preface: I officially found a typo of mine that I did not hyper-fixate on, which is rare for me. That’s how delusional I was at this time in my life. Canon events were happening left and right, with it being my senior year in high school. I met so many diamonds in the rough these two years. I had a favorite one at this point. I gravitate towards the quiet, distanced people. Oftentimes, they openly display a lot of my inner feelings. So this was no different. I was so happy to finally find someone who would get to know me on a deeper level, as I was usually the shy kid at my home school and didn’t have any friends there that I hadn’t made in middle school. He was literally my mirror image. This song may speak of love, and I only put it in there because of the lyrics mostly. The love MAX sings about in this song is so tangible. My favorite lyrics are: Now I’m feeling you breathing slow… ‘cause baby were just reckless kids…” I was calculated, not reckless, but all the more I asked him if he would ever be reckless with me (PLATONICALLY, believe it or not) and he said, yes. Kind of cool sentiment if you ask me. 

Song Choice #2: Love is: Houston Kraft

This is not a song, but a video of songs put together to spell LOVE out! If you couldn’t tell by the title. I love this unique choice of mine. Unique, yes, but also intentional. For the life of me, I could not get this experience out of my head. I want to say this was my second student government conference. I cringe literally just writing those words, but those definitely played a part in my escapes from reality. We’d stay in a hotel for two days, hear adults talk about how inspired they are by life and what got them there, go to this semi formal type pregame of a club experience, and then pack up and dip the next day. This man was one of the speakers at this particular conference. They usually had a main speaker, and then workshops with a few more speakers, I would like to say he wasn’t the main one, but he very well could’ve been. I was so intrigued by his usage of the word love, and this idea that love was all around. That intimacy existed in all walks of life in all types of places with all types of relationships and backgrounds. I was so validated in my right to love, and ever since that conference, I’ve been obsessed with leaving things (people, even) better than you found them. I’d like to say I made a positive contribution in the life of this newfound opposite sex friendship of mine. Him making a positive contribution to my life on the other hand? Debatable, to say the least. 

Song Choice #3: Randy Newman- You’ve Got a Friend in Me

This song gives this entry the playfulness it needed. I threw the word friend around 3 million times and expected for these songs to come to the surface, and without failure this one came up. The Toy Story movies play such a fond part in my childhood, the entertainment industry babysat us quite often. Being put in front of the Tv was the norm for us. To have that active thought about personifying your toys was fun to go through as well. Personification is still one of my favorite tools in my personality. Friendship is so lovely. I often find myself searching for wholehearted examples of platonic relationships between individuals. A book that I read recently emulates such. The whole time you are thinking the focal point is her potential relationship with another suitor, but the whole time the most important love of the book is the love shared between her and her best friend. My heart is full. Makes me want to get to know hundreds of people. But to find those special connections and to drive alongside bopping your heads to classics such as this song is really what life is about. I’ve had this ideology set for as long as I can remember. Prioritizing true connection is natural to me. In friendship though, I must highlight. Because if we’re talking about significant others, I’ve struggled in that department. It’s always slapped my ass. And when I met this guy it was choking me. 

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Dreamin’

Age I Wrote This: 17                            Inspiration: Really thought I was in love with my soul tie

Song Choice #1: Imagine Dragons- Dream

Another song that I was elated to remember again. I felt so spoken to upon listening to this song for the first time (and for the umpteenth time when I got to hear it live in concert). This song was my baby. From a young age, I just wanted to be left alone but also simultaneously listened to. Maybe there’s a selfishness to my thought process here, and I feel completely validated in that sense. Especially if the selfishness comes down to defining songs for your personal consumption. This song is in my bone marrow. The surrealism I feel on a daily basis is nodding its head at the acknowledgment of time and what exactly I am doing with the time that I have. You mean to tell me that I have to keep living in a world where there has to be a million uphill battles and journeys to be taken and I have to somehow be grateful for it all?! Bologna. I was grateful to find someone who loved my words. Who loved my dreamy thought processes. Who talked and talked and talked and listened and listened and listened. My heart really felt heard. No one could’ve bursted this version of me’s bubble. Until it was bursted. 

Song Choice #2: Bishop Briggs- Dream

 First and foremost, I might be able to convince myself that this song was chosen solely because this is a lovely woman with a beautiful bellowing voice that I would have no trouble pulling inspiration from. 24 year old me is okay with that depiction. But no, let’s suck ourselves back into being vulnerably 17. As if I want to relive that bullshit again. Anyway, I was stuck around this time being hopelessly in love with my friends-to-lovers trope first boyfriend. I wanted to do everything to show my love for him. The desperation in the lyrics does attribute to my fondness of this boy but boy do the lyrics tell a story that I was struck dumbfounded by. The lyricist(s) says, “I know you won’t stay anyway” (I’m paraphrasing) and to think I just put this song in here because it shared a title with the first. Come to find out it was warning me. Bishop Briggs is so badass though. River is superficial compared to the woman’s discography. Androgynous as hell. I love it.

Song Choice #3: EDEN- Wake Up

Mainly, I like the play off of having two songs named Dream and then telling them to Wake Up. I want to forget this detail, but unfortunately it’s quintessential so I must share it. This boyfriend really loved this artist. And I kind of loved that for him. A emotion stricken young male writing poetry and expressing his feelings? I advocated for his love for this artist. I remember asking him if you’d ever dedicate songs to people. He said he had in the past but when the relationship fizzled, the songs were ruined for him. I despised this fact, and have since went on to dedicate numerous songs to times in my life with next to no problem with songs being ruined for me. Take that, past bf! I giggle because I have no idea what he’s doing now. Last I heard, he was engaged. I hope he woke up. 

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No, I Don’t Want a Gist   

Age I Wrote This: 17                                                              Inspiration: trying to seek genuine friendship and everything was feeling fake and rehearsed 

Song Choice #1:  Stephen- Crossfire

I've written this explanation already before, and my website just keeps not saving my content for some reason, so pardon me if this explanation sounds crass or rushed. It also doesn't help that I kind of forgot specifically what made me so angry at this particular friend. I want to say my anger was fueled by what little capacity I have to be jealous of people, and what little room was left for me to still be the kid that I deserved to be. I was so angry at this particular friend, I believe, mainly due to them stealing my whopping two people I had in my inner circle. And one of the best parts about this specific time is that my two lifelines at this point would always complain about this person. They were annoying, they stunk, they were boring. I know strong opinions and inner circles should exist anyway, but I was so caught up in this friend being "caught in the crossfire" of our conversations. I hate talking shit. Genuinely. And I hated talking shit about people that I could just as easily never talk to on a deeper level ever again. On a less obnoxious note, I do love the fact that I was introduced to this song, whether that was by my first love, the countless hours I spent on both popular streaming music platforms (one starts with a Y, the other a P), or by the person that this entry was inspired by. Currently as of July 24th, 2025, I only speak to one person involved in this whole predicament. Time, relationships, and trauma bonds are so incredibly fleeting. Thank you, Stephen, for this song as it made me feel super badass writing my dumbass entry. Beats are like my third favorite elements to songs, but this one has a cool one. 

Song Choice #2: John Mayer- Waiting On The World To Change

Again, as I repeat in numerous entries, half-assed posts, and text messages, making friends suck. Making true friends sucks even worse. I really felt like I have always sought out genuine friendship. Genuine friendships take too long for my fleeting lifestyle to produce. By the time I like the person, they are usually gone in one form or another. New job, new graduation, new babies, new partners (bookmark that shit because I am still salty like the waves of the ocean). I am still trying to figure out what is worth my intervention, my advice, and most importantly my time. However, I like to spend my time being nice to others, don't get me wrong. But I would like to make an impact. To be remembered by the people I have crossed. Selfishly, presumably, but I am beautiful and intelligent and caring, and I deserve for people to acknowledge such in me. I will return the favor and then some. So, it feels like waiting. On a park bench, trying to push your sleeves down on a jacket you've worn for too many years, liking the lip oil on your lips in pictures and reflections, but despising the way it feels. Transitions deserve friends too. Seventeen-year-old me waited for genuine friendship and twenty-five-year-old me does the same. The same but in different ways. My inner world changed for the better. And I will still hold onto hope that my outer world will be changed by me for the better. 

Song Choice #3: AJR- Weak

Sometimes, I can just be fucking mean. I'd hate for this song to be placed in here because of how many incidents I warranted weren't worth crying for that the friend ended up crying for. Subconsciously, I do believe that was some of the meaning behind my choice. Leaving that there, may I say that AJR is so freaking cool. That won't be the last time that I say that, and it certainly wasn't the first time. Their lyrics make me so happy. And the fact that they're brothers is a welcomed plus as well. To my friend that inspired this entry: you were never weak. Ignored? Hell yeah. Misguided? Abso-fucking-lutely. But you were never weak. You made me feel validated in feeling things so deeply for myself. Pushing that shit inward. We had/have a lot in common. LGBTQ+ is a home in my heart and in yours. Yours more outwardly, but I will get there someday. I will shout to the rooftops about how beautiful I think women are, and how much I love slutting out men and keeping it that way. Except for the exceptional few that have been in my life in more ways than one. My bio dad, my dad, my best friend, my brothers, my past partners and now, my husband. Thank you for not trusting men with me. They arguably are one of the groups of people who need to partake in announcing that crying isn't weak. I love AJR for this song, y'all rock and rocked and always will rock.

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To The Person Who Wanted Forever

Age I Wrote This: 17

Inspiration: Dealing with my first actual breakup

Song Choice #1: Demi Lovato- Cry Baby

AHHHHH! Trying to get back into this headspace, even just for a second is so difficult. To think, I based a lot of my worth on this garbage for a year is nauseating to this day. You really had a boy mess you up this internally for a whole year? You might ask. The answer isn't no. I am just so embarrassed. Demi and her team behind this song made my heartbreak so tangible. I can taste that shit when I listen to that song to this day. Now it's replaced undeniably with the turmoil that my first real relationship was, but still, the same concept. How could you do this? Use me as a stepping stool. AND ladies and gentlemen and they/thems, HE IMMEDIATELY STARTED DATING THE BEST FRIEND OF THE GIRL WHO TRIED TO SABOTAGE OUR RELATIONSHIP THE ENTIRE TIME. You cannot make this shit up. I don't know what is worse, the fact that he dated the girl who very much heard the brunt of the boiling sewage that girl said about me, or if he would've just dated the girl who thought calling me a bitch was the worst thing that could be said about me to my face. Bitch is so mild. Not 25-year-old me still flabbergasted by this bullshit. I am proud of me that the only thing I did after all of this happened was pour into my writing skills. Dually, I also started listening to a lot of Demi around this time. Songs off of this particular album. Demi is a recovering addict, recovering is something my mother never got to do. So, Demi's music was a comfort in multiple ways. Plus, I love that they finally married someone who feels so right for them and just posts hilarious and harmless videos on the infamous social media platform that starts with a T. I love when my heart feels so full for strangers. Proud of your turnaround and I hope many if not all addicts receive the same chances that you did.

Song Choice #2: Alessia Cara- River of Tears

This song explains the torment almost anatomically, at this point. My eyes still brim with tears listening to this song. Alessia's lyrics are so unreal. From being introduced to her with the hit "Here" and then being curious to hear what else she had to offer. I religiously listened to her album Growing Pains. River of Tears, I am almost certain, showed up on the streaming platform that starts with a P. I remember questioning myself. What is this beautiful heartbreaking piece? Although Alessia does have a recognizable voice to me. "I thought that you would be the hero, come and save the day, but you're a villain, your sins unforgiven" flashes behind my eyes with the whitest of capital letters. Those lyrics punched me in my face. I really put my faith into a person. So much so, when I was blind sighted by the neon future, I didn't ever want to put my faith in anyone again. I let him wash away, down the river, and I wished he stayed there. Spoiler alert, he didn't. He did disappear into the woods though after going through his second engagement. I hope you're happy. Or maybe I don't. And don't be perplexed by how unforgiving I am to the people who have wronged past versions of me, I am protective of her. Much more protective of her than I am of present me. Or future me for that matter. Also, for Alessia to explain in this song that her tears fill up the river, and she fills up wells, and she'll set sail and drift away. Overwhelming emotions motivate me just as much. Alessia is a rare artist. I love that woman. 

Song Choice #3: Slaves- I'd Rather See Your Star Explode

Choosing this song for this entry and being strict about it kind of confuses me. Trust me, I can make sense of most of the lyrics in this song, but I still to this day question what the fuck the lyrics are even saying. I mean that lightly. I love the song. I also love shouting out lesser-known artists. And the person that sings this is cool. Absolutely. The emotional singing, the turmoil, will always warm my belly and ignite the fire in my mind. You do "know they're always gonna count [you] out!" This boy let me down. In this song, the lyrics state something about not being able to believe that the other person doubted their love for them too. Which could have been how he was thinking at points as well. He genuinely doubted whether or not I was going to stay by his side, even though the best things about our little bubble was the clear communication, the anxiety and fatigue we felt from not being able to be kids. When we broke up, it was almost like the name of this song made more sense. I'd rather see your downfall first. Because I put so much into you, and you throw it away. Threw me away. Now I don't wish for his downfall, or anyone's necessarily. But I validate past me's frustration wholeheartedly. You tell him, girl. 

Song Choice #4 (I KNOW, an extra song): Billie Eilish- my boy

Despising the fact that I took the time to move this song into this entry isn't even the best way to put my frustration at myself. But this song is a killer choice for this entry. HE AIN'T A MAN HE SURE AS HELL AIN'T HONEST. No truer words spoken. I was really at the angry point. He was just a flat-out liar at this point. How dare you? And liar I have never used lightly. I don't even call someone a liar jokingly (watch me get hyper fixated on joking about people lying). If I am calling you a liar, I mean it. Even if I am posing it as a joke. The biggest person people like to lie to is themselves. And I giggle at fragile masculinity. This song felt like a hot metal scorching his skin, and he wouldn't have even known where it was coming from. Luckily, I was given several opportunities to comment on that, thankfully he searched for me a few times after high school (which I will definitely be touching on in my autobiography). He was still that boy from when we were 17 and 18, searching for a girl where there was a woman in his place. Last time we spoke, I was being polite. And he knows that. Hopefully his wife turned him into a man. "If you want a good girl, then goodbye."

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Why Texting is Impersonal to Someone Born in Generation Z

Age I Was When I Wrote This: 18                                                Inspiration: Someone who I've lost touch with, but I know would appreciate this

Song Choice #1: The Vamps ft. Maggie Lindemann- Personal

Alas, my friends, a man that was a man before he actually was one. He's doing so well now. And, must I say, this is a platonic reasoning. I never pursued a romantic relationship with him. And never will, he is getting married soon. At this point, I also was not crushing on him. I did at one point though. I hate to admit that. My pride and ego want to choke me out for admitting that I wanted him briefly, but both are annoying and piss me off most of the time anyway. Being this guy's friend is so refreshing to discuss after the turmoil the last bozo caused. This guy is awesome. My first song choice for this entry is not applicable to my inspiration at all. And I believe he was single at this point. His fiancée wasn't even his girlfriend at the point this was written, so I am grateful for past me being respectful. Although, being as transparent as I vow day by day to be, I had to be honest with y'all. This choice was lighthearted. I never thought he'd be better off with me, even with both of us being single. I will tell you though, he protected my relationship. Sought me out one day to tell me my boyfriend had scratches all down his back that he saw in the locker room and asked if him and I had been intimate. I said no, and he said he's definitely cheating on you. And I was insecure enough to entertain the fact in my head. But I had gone over to his house the night before and laid chest to chest with him and scratched his back. Good looking out, but it was me that did that even if we hadn't been the intimate in the way that you thought we were. Thank you for having my back, and I was so grateful for you and all you said. A true friend I wish I never parted away from. I don't think you belong with someone like me though, like the song suggests. Your fiancée is so beautiful. 

Song Choice #2: Justin Bieber- I'll Show You

I devoured with this song choice. I felt the mental angst that Justin and his team mastered in this song. Justin has constantly been a bleeding heart in regard to his life and how he feels as if everyone knows versions of him that he's never encountered. I felt that way. Being eighteen, grief stricken, devoted to a senior year in high school that ended too fast, devoted to some fuckhead that tried to reciprocate but never did. I really thought more people were watching me and my every move than who actually were. I feel like yes, Justin is in the spotlight, but the pressure he felt in his younger years to be what the public wanted him to be really was some type of internal hell that no one would ever want to voluntarily enter. People who seek you out and want you and want your life to be improved by their presence and that thoroughly believe that you'll improve their lives, is SO rare. My friend who inspired this was very good at including everyone and saying again and again that we needed to stick together. Troy Bolton from High School Musical would love the guy. Can I also throw in an apology for when I traced your face during the game where we blindfolded each other and tried to guess each other's faces with touch? I traced your lips, and you were immediately like, "YO!" I can get a laugh from it now, but I was so embarrassed by that action back then. Why did he overact? I told myself. Ma'am, you would've reacted the same if someone touched your lips without warning sis. You were blindfolded without the actual blindfold on. 

Song Choice #3: Jon Bellion- The Good in Me

 Devoured with this song choice, once again. I wish I could pick each line apart and explain the way they make me feel. But I will definitely articulate more of the titular line, "Like a knife in the woods, yeah you hunt down the good in me." To this day, that friend that inspired this seeks out lovely people and lovely experiences. A well-rounded guy for sure. If people took the perspective of pulling good attributes out of everyone, we would all be better off. Jon Bellion is such a good artist. Lyricist, rhythm, killer voice. I am obsessed with all of his songs that made this massive list, and this one is top three on my personal list as well. Just so poetic and the detailed exploration of his mental strife is encompassing for me. Taking words out of my mouth always. Thank you again to my friend, for being such a smalltown hero, a genuine guy, and a namesake one day. Even if it's one of my book characters or a kid named after you, you'd deserve it. I'd say I hope you're doing well, but I know you are. 

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How a Girl With a Troubled Past Reacts

Age I Wrote This: 18                                                          Inspiration: Heartbroken ME

Song Choice #1: Rihanna- What Now

My heart. Shattered. This is a version of me that I want to bear hug, brush her hair back, and kiss her forehead. Reassure her that life is so beautiful after your grade school career is over. Stop anxiously waiting for it to be over. And enjoy yourself. Being broken up with, and then being forced to see him every day, and then trying to be in my last musical and be happy for myself on my lead role for once even though it was long overdue, was something I was having such a hard time doing. I really was questioning why I was here, why I was dealt the hand that I was. I trying to fit into the mold of a motherless daughter. I did not want to be in charge of my life. In charge of especially my life, because I felt like it sucked. And everything was embarrassing. I was genuinely pushing away my sisters, and my best friend and dad. I was not wanting anything to do with any of them. And that eventually would snowball into what it is today, which is loving relationships with most but also never getting rid of differences, which is valid! Sometimes... anyway, it's okay to ask what you're doing. I wish I could scream sing it like she did in this song all day and get paid for it. Rihanna is just a stunning person all around.