Dear future me,
I know I've messed up. I know that I've allowed myself to be affected by things that shouldn't affect me. But I have so much faith in you, and I am trying to make you a better person.
So, I started out this year (2019) with two different events in my life. One that's a lot more impactful than the other, but that's all perspective.
I'll start out with the bad. I found out I couldn't go back to school this semester. I'm not entirely mad, but I felt wronged. And the only person that had wronged me was myself. I didn't take the extra step; I wanted to relax and calm down. I wanted to heal myself from high school. From limiting myself to just being a student. I had spent those four years wanting to go to college, but then I didn't want to. Because I had thought that it would go the same way as high school did. But then, senior year seeped through the cracks like a sunflower through the gravel of a sidewalk, and I needed something to do after that. After finally being released from something I had taken for granted; a place that was supposed to offer me education but instead I had treated it like a prison. A way to be confined. And I shouldn't have.
I could restart with college, right? There I went. I ventured. I signed up. But I fell, head first, and then watched as it was taken from me. All my doing; it was all my fault.
Simultaneously, while this was happening, I got a gut feeling a few days before 2019 started. This was the actual sunflower through the cracks of the gravel that made the sidewalk. My gut told me that 2019 was going to be the year I would change. Change for the good. This was the year I would work hard, and actually WORK HARD, for once in my life. I wouldn't just take an opportunity, compare myself to others, and consider myself trying. I wasn't trying. I was living in a world that was eating me alive. It's time to let that guilt, that burden, that emptiness, go.
My struggles were not going to be labeled, studied. They weren't going to be my science experiment that would blow up and not go successfully. My struggles aren't going to have power over me.
It's time to delete my social media. For the time being. Time to focus on my personal goals, to create content that's a story of mine to tell, and not anyone else's. It's time to love my close friends and family, give them more attention and not push them aside and spend days laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself. What is that going to do?
I'm going to write my goals down and let them burn passion and resilience inside of myself, instead of embarrassment and resentment. I'm going to focus on my writing, my music, my content. My body, as I get physically stronger and occupy myself with improvement in that way.
So goodbye for now.
I cannot wait to meet you.
Yours truly,
a guilty girl who's sick and tired of being sick and tired
[I put makeup on, picked out half an outfit, and took pictures of myself. I washed the makeup off, put my pajamas on, and wrote this. Why? Because I wanted to feel pretty for the first time in a while. And I do. I feel new, like I'm going to start working on a person who deserves it: me. I deserve it. I do. I deserve to love everyone in my life. Including me.]