Trying to find yourself lasts your whole life.
I want to argue with myself till I’m blue in the face about that fact, but trial and error prevails, and I’m consumed by everything just not feeling right.
Alas, I want to take a moment and highlight the intelligence and growth of society. Mainly because there’s just too much negativity thrown and too many accusations and no base baring or reasoning other than people have one bad experience and make it their whole life.
From a parent, and a person with a professional background in taking care of children (10 and under), this is the group I find I learn a lot about human nature and oddly enough, respect.
I can tell my child trusts me but not because he says it. Because he nods when I give him my reason for something. He lets me guide his shoulders when he’s standing on the wrong side of the sidewalk. So many other reasons. More recently, he trusted me enough to know that I would always be back for him whenever he's home from school. A privilege I will never take advantage of.
And there is the impossible age range. 10-20.
I am very aware that a 10-year-old and a 20-year-old may not have much in common, but for the purpose of this entry I will group them. This was a hard age group to go through. I think all ages have something in common. They are trying to be older than they are. This one in particular, thinks they are so right all the time. They seek opportunities to be right. Which arguably is pretty smart of them, intentionally or unintentionally. The need to be right can also be soaked in anxiety, rooted in wanting to know why things are the way that they are.
The best person I could really detail their age range and be thorough about it is my little sister. She is nineteen, so she's missing a year. I went through all of these years learning so much with her. So much from her, too. She is such a listener. Determined. The most interested in political science (why society acts the way they do) with me. I don't think I could put into words how grateful I am for that young lady. She’s a piece of my heart walking outside of my body.
20-30 age range: my age range right now. I learned so much about regret and self-doubt from these guys. I've seen the light slowly start to dwindle as you get into the other half. However, a lot of the light is replaced with a nice bonfire. Warm, expressive, incredible way to get your stories out and get feedback on. I belly laugh the most with this group. The way that I have 100 different conversations saying basically the same thing: you mean to tell me that I have to suffer through this aging for much longer? I usually guffaw at this whole scenario, and I cracked a smile even typing this. Dark humor is definitely one of my specialties.
In comes a breath of fresh air for MOST people. Ages 30-40. Now that I've gotten through the hump of not knowing what I want to all the sudden knowing and feeling good about my choices is what being this age group is all about. How attractive women become to me after they turn 30 personally, but honestly to society. Because you’ve been able to sit with the fact that your childhood doesn’t define you, the schooling you ended or continued isn’t what’s left of your life, you potentially now feel comfortable enough to fall into family and loving nights snuggled with them and watching them in the ages you struggled so hard to get through. I am so excited to reach thirty and go beyond that.
And hopefully at 40 I’m not panicking. Because 40 looks really good on a lot of people. You come into the homestretch, forty years on this earth and you see your impact not just on yourself but on the earth and those around you. You’ve pretty much worked at your career longer than you went to grade school. Seeing those people and delving in the fact that that was almost waaayyy too long ago.
Past the age of 40, you start to become emblems. Legends. You start to really understand that you impacted so many. And walls of homes you’ve touched are scarred in you. Scarring really just shows time. What a privilege it is to be able to scar. Genuinely.
I hope I never get to an age where I harden. Where I believe that I can speak to people a certain way because my seniority permits it. That's what I fear about aging: that and NOTHING else. Not skin creasing, stretching, hair thinning, teeth disappearing, nothing. I will take every single thing that I've earned, and I will cherish it.
Because one thing is for sure and one thing is for certain: my love and my passion will carry me through all of my years, as love has not failed me in my twenty-five that I've already spent.
[Image description: Torso of a person, no head visible, leaning off a bed in front of a window. Gray sweatshirt, clearly no bra, Mickey Mouse blanket and pink duvet that the person is wrapped in. They are obviously awake, I know because it's me and my son took that picture. He is hilarious. I have so many of those specific pictures. This one gets me. It reminds me of my aging. How I've doubled in size. My sadness seems attached to my arms. You wouldn't know looking at the picture. I honestly don't think you'd know that I feel a lot safer now. Time heals. For sure. I just don't think I'll ever get rid of the debilitating fact that my mother, father, and brother are gone and cannot age. My heart feels heavy. I am very proud of my privilege to age and get better and that without a doubt is what I'm doing.]