When do I ever let myself heal?
That question has an irritable number of answers. One of the answers is now. One of the answers is later. One of the answers is never. Interchangeable to say the least.
Healing for me looks like allowing the whole day to be sat in my bed, mindlessly scrolling through my favorite social media app. EW, that's a stretch. Good practice, though!
Healing for me is taking the time to pull into an awkward parking spot and disappearing onto the wooded cement trail on foot allocated for the public but still feels isolated and special just for you. That's more like it.
Healing is answering cravings. Not even craving specifically catered to food, but also to touch, sound, sight. Let's cater to our senses, that emulates healing and makes my soul so happy.
Speaking what's on your mind? Whether that feels like threatening new friends with the unspoken contract of future plans, or saying exactly what would make the person in the room with you make that specific face you know they'll make when they're weirded out. That screams healing to me.
Falling back into old treacherous habits you've sworn off again and again because they just don't feel like you but, in the moment, give you instant gratification? God, I need to squash this coping mechanism like a bug.
Frustration clouds my thinking. Why do I give others space to follow their "bad" habits, but I constantly feel like I am not given space to explore mine? The duality is striking.
Perhaps the space I hold for my loved ones can sometimes be suffocating. Do you know how many times I've felt the tension that I've created in a conversation between my sister and I, no matter the subject, because I say what I'm thinking without a second thought. Sometimes I wish I could roll my tongue up like a fruit roll up. Just stop talking for once. Better yet, stop thinking.
Today was an incredibly beautiful day. The striking duality came and made its appearance, noted in my head like a snake's tongue. Not in a deceptive way, but I kept seeing two sides of a coin.
I allowed myself time to mindlessly scroll on my favorite social media app. I partook in personal hygiene, even more so when I swiped gel into my eyebrow hairs and caked my eyelashes in a black substance. I rubbed a glittery liquid across the corners of my eyes, and I felt freeing in the sense that the features given to me I can accentuate to an extent. I love the simplicity of making yourself smell nice. It is so refreshing.
I gave myself permission to enjoy a new person's company. I relished in the after smell of his cologne against my skin. Hugging him so tight he rubbed onto me. The way his weight felt against my body as we were up against the side of my car was so irrevocably comforting. Because as hot as it was out there, the comfort of knowing that it was just him and I and we were all that mattered in that moment was more than enough. So gratifying. Gives me just enough clarity in the future that we could be something-- and if you are any potential suitors reading this, please be realistic. In knowing that I've got options and will continue to have options so as long as I don't define a relationship with a person, making them my person. I also did not owe you that explanation but we are human so I will say whatever I want.
Do you feel simultaneously too old and yet so young? Again, the duality. I am too damn old to be this financially wavering. I am too damn old to be starting my sixth introduction to a job. Twenty-four years old and I feel like I've got deadlines and a hurriedness applied to my life that only I can assign myself. GIRL CHILL.
The only defining thing in your life should be how you want to live the day. That's it. There are no way other people's expectations of your age group, your gender, your ethnicity, your culture should bare anything in your mind other than a suggestion. A reassurance that you'll be just fine. Hard work means stability. Peace. Acceptance: but you accepting you. Your personal journey is nobody else's business.
In saying that, your business being private paves way to only one ideology. That you can be the only person to give yourself mental breaks. Mental pauses. SPACE.
Remove yourself from places that don't serve you. You're a lone wolf. Even if you aren't alone most days.
I value the solitary parts of my life and would like to keep it that way. Whatever shiny ideas come my way; I will give myself room to hear, see, touch, and taste them but also stick to my roots.
[Image Description: Habitually, I like screenshotting beautiful or comedic photos that provide comfort to me in a way. They end up becoming pieces and parts and knickknacks of my personality, and when I eventually scroll upon them, indeed I am comforted. I am not alone. Living to your best potential is fucking hard. Behind all that skin are these bones, and to be able to look at that photo and see past their looks because frankly you don't know who is hugging who in this photo, is so nice. Alarmingly enough, the words applied to this photo that someone created, are so beautiful to me as well. My favorite love language is words of affirmation. If only I had the link to this image. I'll do better next time. Till then, be nice to spiders, racoons, turtles, most bees, and opossums or I'll throat punch you.]