As of August 20th, 2018, I haven't cleaned my room for five months.
In retrospect, there's not many excuses for that. And yet I don't blame myself. Last time I began to clean my room, it was for a boy. Funny, right? I thought cleaning my room was for someone else. And I carried that with me even after we broke up. That I was going to clean what was supposed to be my sanctuary, my private space, my getaway, for someone else.
That is the mindset that I've vowed to diminish after today.
I wanted to better myself solely for someone else. I thought that my materials, my bed, my clothes that don't have much of a home, were only meant to be organized or tucked away for someone else.
I remember being angry at this thought. If I can clean for him, but not for me, then I won't do it at all. I don't need these things, I need this chapter of my story to end already. I couldn't help but think I would never get out of this hole. It was so easy to believe that maybe I wasn't worth being the strongest, neatest, and most grateful person that I could be. Yet again, I wanted to be that person so deeply and so desperately I didn't know where to start.
See, the world doesn't happen to you, you happen to the world. You pave your own way to success. You can't take a shortcut or expect there to be someone who is going to pick it up and do it for you. Yes, let there be rest stops, and let's dwell, but that doesn't mean there should be a rest stop that enables you to soak in your insecurities. Your sponge of a brain doesn't need to absorb all of that dirty water, ring it out.
I know, insecurities are inevitable, your hardships are inevitable, your cons are inevitable. There is going to be dirty water that you can't avoid. But who's to say you can't squeeze it out? No one. Not even you. Don't allow yourself to think it's not avoidable. Just because it's inevitable doesn't mean it cannot be comforted. You can occupy yourself with all the good, and all the trying.
Then, when I say trying, I resort to the Yoda quote from Star Wars: "Do or do not. There is no try". My fifth grade teacher hammered that into my brain. But I can't help countering it, even in the slightest. I have to start with trying. With making it seem as if I'm being the best that I can be. And then I am doing. It's not so much a chore anymore.
Don't make it a chore to clean your room, your attitude, or your life. Make it a priority.
I am cleaning my room today. It's looking better already.
[This picture is one I reposted on Instagram. It was originally on an actress's page, I could tell you the actress's name but again anonymity is intoxicating. This quote really made me think because it was simple, passive aggressive, and truly words that needed to be lived by. Especially for a person who has had all too much experience in situations where another soul has made you feel little and like you couldn't be yourself.]