What do I defend myself with?
Should I always be in defense mode?
Protection.
Dire situations.
Or maybe I'm just impatient.
I've been thinking about what I'd prefer more. If I was provided with a weapon to protect myself, or provided with a tool to build fences, boundaries, beautiful homes, a home in my mind?
I always thought I would want my mind to be a fortress.
My home in my mind does not have to be.
However, every home needs protection. An arsenal. I just prefer not to make weaponry the forefront.
My protection will be well rounded, established, spoken about behind doors. You'll never see my force coming. Hopefully you won't have to.
Sneak attack or sneak retaliation?
I feel, strongly, as if the assumption of weaponry and palming such power creates atrocities.
There is power in population, communication, and space.
And weaponry. But again, not the forefront.
Weaponry would be used on people like the monster in the news that ended Athena's life.
I say her name because her name will always be more important than the egregious, bile filled mouth, savage that cannot be redeemed or reconciled in any capacity. I am all about forgiveness, but it does not extend to someone worth less than a pile of throw up.
Side note achieved, trajectory switched.
I felt like my tool and my weapon were both taken from me in the same day.
Potential and fatigue collided.
Fatigue overtook.
A real scenario, I am alone in the dark in a car. Where a kitchen knife was recently stored, a man deemed to protect me ripped it out of the car and didn't even wave.
When expressing abandonment with my tool (not the douche narrative) my tool stayed stagnant. The tool was ready, but needed a cue. As if it needed to be unlocked from a toolbox, like some fucking passcode was needed. Could not be farther than my truth.
You failed me. I expected the failure from my weapon but not my tool. You're not broken, however, and my grip on faith stays tight.
I need you to be useful.
I need you to care like you try to care, and then I need the care to be effortless. Second nature to love me, to nurture me, to teach me. Reciprocation will never be a question.
Need me.
Knead me.
Don't shoot.
Don't stab.
Be on standby.
[Image Description: A phone held in front of my face, a blue sweater, blue makeup, sat on a carpeted floor with a slight smile. Gray business pants and facing a body mirror that would shatter not days later. Dolling myself up was a staple to this time in my life. I wanted to feel worth loving. I vow to never amount my self-worth to my company. But I also refuse to not lean on my loved ones. To get leaned back on. Not my lifelines, but an IV, at the most invasive standpoint. Partake in your hobby today, friend, and as always I love you.]