There is you in everything I do.
From math to art, you are there. In lines, erased or defined. In paintings and writings, imagined in a million different ways. Whether you are carried and embraced, or locked away and buried, you seep into my work. You fill every space and crevice with the impact you’ve had on me.
I seek peace. And when it’s here, it’s almost like I don’t know what to do with it.
I feel pretty at peace right now. Everyone around me accepts me for who I am. Accepting is the first step, embracing comes after. And quite a bit of people embrace me as well. A comforting feeling to have for sure.
Olivia Rodrigo’s song “1 step forward, 3 steps back” plays in my head. I met an online friend, surreal for sure considering we’ve been friends since 2021. I didn’t see her in person until now. She described this phenomenon of feeling like you’re taking a step forward and then having to take several back. Despite this, she’s a ray of sunshine in human form. To see that side of her, the “defeated” one, reminds me ONCE again that we are very complex creatures. We choose to post what we want. We can make ourselves look so big and underlined and beautiful. We can interchangeably make ourselves feel so small, translucent and ignored.
Beauty is hard for me to ignore. And I am well aware that it is in the eye of the beholder. The person’s perspective. They have their very own objectives to what they see. When beauty doesn’t fill a person’s eyes, when beauty is a rarity for them, I believe their vision is narrow. There is beauty in every fucking thing. You rob yourself if you don’t firmly carry this belief.
Aging is beautiful. Death *can* be beautiful. Change is beautiful. Shared moments are stunning.
Beauty is an announcement as well. I don’t think it’s a secret, however that’s not to say that beauty can’t be one.
We deter ourselves from each other.
If we were determined to get to know each other, then our lives would be full. Our cups would be overflowing.
It’s injustice at its most exaggerated state. It’s FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) at its base state. How many missed friends I’ve had because of the shield of fear guarding me. The fear resource guarding all of my energy like a neglected dog finally given a piece of steak. I feel as if some opportunities dangle in front of my cage door and I only snatch the biggest most obvious foods. I miss out on those small pieces of chicken or those nutritious blueberries because I’m so distracted by what I deem as easier.
If it’s not instant gratification, then I might overlook the beautiful thing. And I’m angry at myself constantly for not working on myself and what I put out into the world.
One day, hopefully close, I will work on myself in all the ways I am faulting on.
Promise?
[Image description: Me. I’m in a two piece pink patterned bathing suit, walking in a field with some farm equipment. The bright sun in the sky, and my hair wet from swimming. I love this photo. Things change so rapidly. And my physical appearance might change with it. But I’m still so happy to be me. To be involved in nature. To swim and make my sister take photos of me. I own the rights to this photo.]