I miss what was, and I can't appreciate what is.
I always talk about meeting new people. It's unavoidable. But what's also unavoidable is not becoming close to people that can show you what friendship is at this moment. I often take advantage of the people in front of me. You know the phrase "I met the right person at the wrong time"? I understand that tremendously. Of course, there's the debate on what specifically is the right time to meet someone. Is there ever a right time? If there isn't, why constitute that there's a wrong time?
Personally, the statement is attached to my development as a human. I thoroughly believe that when I met certain people, I wasn't the strongest version of me. Not that I am now, but I can't help but think that maybe our relationships with certain individuals would be catastrophically different if we had met them later in life or perhaps earlier? Or maybe I am waiting for some type of catastrophe to show up at my doorstep and I welcome it with open arms.
I can't just sit here and wait for things to happen. I know. But what am I supposed to do?
I find myself seeking friendships with people who will noticeably change me. I guess all I'm saying is that maybe these people already showed up in my life, and I wasn't ready for them? Maybe changing someone for the better will indeed change me for the better just because they gave me the opportunity? My curiosity lingers. Questions roam, my thoughts do too, and the only thing that seems to be set in stone is my insecurity.
And yet I'm so certain maybe something will happen to me. And I won't just happen to the something anymore. I sit around, waiting for things to happen, and the fire to ignite anything else besides my longing. Besides my frustration.
It's not a struggle that can be worded easily, that's why I'm painfully metaphorical most of the time.
Consulting my thoughts again, I was struck with one when I saw a friend today. Can I call them that? I don't talk to them on a day-to-day basis. I don't ask them how their day is. I swipe up on their stories on Snapchat, I comment on their photos, I react to them on Facebook. But besides that communication, that's it. I cannot tell you how many people I have in my life where our communication is limited to that. What stops us from talking?
It's a team effort, but I think I know why I do not reach out. Here's what my certainty has to say to my insecurity:
You are going to feel like a burden to everyone. Whether the person is a cashier at a fast food place through the drive thru when you can't hand them your money fast enough, or the person is someone who is cute and you're pretty sure they think you're cute too, but you can't find it in you to kiss them because you don't know what they're thinking.
You are never going to know what they are thinking. Stop trying to do that.
You know that dull, stinging feeling that ricochets through you when someone doesn't reply, or doesn't reach out when you thought they might? Suppress that.
There's a difference between smothering someone, and caring. For most people, especially the people we associate with, smothering them is a harder process. People don't get as annoyed with you as you think they do. Of course, there are moments where you have no idea what to say, but if you did know what to say all the time, there has to be some rationality somewhere that says it'd get exhausting if we did.
You cannot tell me you do not like how unorthodox people are. I know, not knowing where you stand may become crucial to you because it could easily make or break the situation, but how many times have you kicked yourself for not making the effort?
You can't further a friendship with someone without being there on the less climactic days. You can't deepen your understanding of someone if you do not listen to what they have to say, and give them proper feedback.
Fray away from the "Yeah lol"'s and bind yourself with the "Is this a normal thing for you?" and the "Oh wow how can that happen?"
I'm not asking you to be a therapist. I'm not asking you to be nosy. I'm asking you to be caring, and resilient enough to bounce back from people being incompatible with you.
From all parts of me to all parts of you:
Being bored and not having the ability to give someone tangible things does not mean you're not worth befriending.
Don't stop making promises to yourself, even if it's in the middle of 2019 and being overtly optimistic isn't "cool" anymore.
Do not let the day of the week dictate who you talk to, where you talk to them, how you talk to them.
Talk.
The biggest lie I've ever heard was the quote "talk is cheap." Talk is priceless, yeah, but priceless has more of a flexible definition than cheap has. We need to stop making quotes and voices and words coping mechanisms. We need to start letting them accompany who we are instead of dictate who we are.
I wrote out a calendar dedicating months to new topics; kind of like people have made November the month where you don't shave, or more preposterously, you don't "nut". Good riddance.
Here's my list:
Just Hang out With Me January
Forever Friends February
Message Me March
And Text Me Again April
Maybe It's a Date May
Join Me On an Adventure June
Jump Up And Say Hello July
All About You and Me August
Set the Date To Chill September
Oh Wow Let's Be Bored Together October
No Shave With Homies November
Dedicate Time for Amigos December
[https://twitter.com/kaylajmilligan/status/948591474710581250?lang=en After spending almost two hours trying to find a suitable enough photo for this entry, and getting distracted and sorting through all of my social medias, I found this gem on someone's story. The story really changed a few words and said that Post Malone was the author, and so I went to search for it. And I nearly laughed at the fact that people will try to sell anything; whether it's a meme or anything branded with a celebrity's name on it. That's a whole different story, but I saw this quote at the perfect time and the world really is small, huh? We're all thinking the same thing and I love and hate it at the same time. But that's for another day. Anyway, "love who you love, there ain't no other way".]