It doesn't take much to plague me, and it doesn't take much to plague me with myself.
I have spent the last few weeks learning new things about myself. My physical traits don't bother me anymore. I can safely say that I like my body, but I can't safely say that I like my head.
It has taken a lot of energy for me to do normal day tasks. Or what's normal for a college student. You know what also is normal for a college student? To begin having visible mental health issues once they start. This age is a median in itself. Are we adults or are we children?
About a year ago, I watched the show The Fosters. I'm just throwing a time frame out there when I say it was about a year ago, but I know for sure that I was watching it on Netflix, and it was the first season that had the character Brandon's girlfriend, Grace, in it. This was when they first met each other, and he didn't know about what plagued her, but she kissed him. She kissed him and it was a big deal to her. She stated something along the lines of doing one thing that scared her every day. She revealed that kissing him scared her.
I've loved the ideology ever since.
I've also used it as an excuse to my constant pending recklessness and irrationality.
I went to a National Guard drill over the weekend with one of my beautiful friends who is so dedicated, driven, and determined. She has been on a long journey, and it's not over, and she decided that I could get a glimpse of what it was all about. Safe to say, the thought of going to drill terrified me. She asked me twice, and the first time I intended on going, my dad and my sisters got in their umpteenth car accident. They were alright, but still, the mere thought that I could've lost them petrified me even more. I convinced myself that I couldn't go to that drill and actually be of semi use. I wanted her to actually enjoy me coming along with her, and right now I can't say that she did, but I did better than I know I would've done back then.
I sucked it up and went this time. I knew I was going to jump out of my comfort zone, so it convinced me even more.
But I'm never always totally convinced.
There was a big part of me that got angry at myself. How could I go to the drill if I could barely get out of bed? If some days felt like not only was lactic acid in my muscles, but it was in my brain as well. And it was all over getting up, taking a shower, my developing relationships in college, and not being able to see my sisters and dad every day. These reasons add up, but not enough to dwell, and hurt, and be so angry at yourself because some of these things are going to end, or you're going to mess them up, or you're going to make more than one person angry at you.
But I went. And of course, I was worried for nothing.
Yes it was hard. But it reminded me who I was, who I stood for, and who I stand for now.
The second day arrived, and we were parading through (that was a powerful understatement but I'll leave it alone), I heard a discussion behind me. Mind you, I might have a hard time listening to a discussion that I'm in, but I'm really good at taking a step back and listening to everyone else talk. Anyway, this person was one of the staff sergeants there. The sergeants all have different attributes that make or break them, mostly make them, and this guy was known for being stern, angry, demanding, all of the adjectives that have a negative connotation.
He was mentioning jobs that are in the military, and I believe the other person had mentioned that someone else-- hearsay mania over here-- thought about changing their intended job because it was too difficult.
I kid you not, he said: "If it scares the sh*t out of you, then you should do that one because that is where you'll learn the most".
And I visibly smiled.
It was almost a reminder to me. That there are bigger and more affecting things that will scare me, and I should not justify normal tasks as doing something that scares me. I shouldn't be scared to jump out of my comfort zone, because that quote isn't about doing things in my comfort zone. It is about taking the biggest jump out of it.
And you can do more than one thing that scares you every day.
Confidence is everything. It is not vain to believe in yourself.
If it challenges you, do it. If it allows you to do something different, do it. If it increases your empathy skills, do it. If it opens windows, broaden horizons, if it's big and unordinary and freaking incredible, do it.
If it scares you, do it.
You have to.
[I immediately thought about colored smoke mainly because I felt like this fills my lungs whenever I'm content. It can be consuming. Picture found here: