This piece is two pieces that are combined; I'd like to think it's my attempt at being poetic, and I'm becoming increasingly unapologetic as well.
Have an Intimate Relationship With Yourself
And no, that's not just some polite way to say a derogatory phrase.
Initially, I wanted this to counter the previous entry; the one where I was so set on writing about a perfect individual. And in some way this one is countering it, but as I gave myself a week to think about it, I had more and more comfort with writing about my favorite epiphany in the world: being perfect is applicable, and it's not simple.
I do not, AT ALL, find myself perfect. But I find people who are perfect for me, in the situations that I am in and have been in. And I hope that in some way, I was perfect for them in their situation.
This ideology is where I find that my most intimate relationship, one that I've searched high and low for, is the one I have for myself.
I found people who make me happy. Different variables of happy, but enough to conceal what is ugly about me and what is ugly about the world. I look at a mirror, and I do not see someone who should be laughed at (at least on most days I shouldn't). I don't see someone who has no room for improvement. I've waited so long to become this butterfly, and to get out of my cocoon. A lot of the times, I feel like I'm getting new cocoons every year, and change does have a little bit of stigma applied to it even now, but I'm learning to embrace. I'm welcoming it with hesitancy but nonetheless it's toward the right direction.
I have learned a lot about myself as I start to make my own choices in my adult life. I'm out of high school, the liberty I have is exhilarating even though it comes in abundance. Do you know how much better it feels when you're going through a part of your life, and it's overwhelming, but you know where you stand? This is one of the first times that I've actually experienced having a backbone, almost. Being able to accept the fact that I'm not the prettiest but I'm not the ugliest. I'm not the smartest but I'm not the dumbest. I'm not the nicest but I'm not the meanest. They're all relatively blatant things that people know about themselves, and yet my mind hasn't accepted that.
I thought in order to be pretty, loved, wanted and not just pawned off, I had to have somebody. Somebody who was invested in me just because they wanted to; that very thought is one I have a lot. But I don't. I do not need a significant other in order to feel significant. I can feel important in other aspects of my life. I often ask myself questions regarding the topic of self determination, improvement, and confidence just in its entirety.
I Can Breathe-
Betrayal isn't something anyone enjoys.
But I didn't think the mere thought of it would cause my first actual panic attack. Or what I thought was one. There isn't anything positive about self diagnosis, and curiosity does kill the cat, but if you're the cat the only thing that matters is knowledge. And I wanted to know why I couldn't breathe.
I can't tell you the day it happened. Living at college has ingested my sense of time. I know what day it is, but it's hard for me to tell what happens in a day as they passed. I should start making entries again so that I won't lose my mind, but this occurrence seems like it happened centuries ago.
I won't tell you why this attack happened, but I can tell you that it pivoted my life, and launched it into a different direction. Whether this direction is good or bad, I still need clarification, but nonetheless I'm anticipating the future. I thought the world was going to end, and my chest was going to collapse into itself. It was the only genuine time where I couldn't breathe, my body couldn't hold itself, my skin was on fire. My mind ran itself to a halt, and my soul wanted to evacuate this bag of cells that I own. All because of how I perceived a situation. I couldn't fathom that my head had caused me to work myself physically, had caused me to almost hospitalize myself.
And that's where I know that I am okay.
[So we get study rooms that are in the library of our college, and we draw freely across the whiteboard when we're not playing Hangman. This writing in particular was when I took my favorite lyrics from a beautiful song and I interpreted it in a way that makes me feel whole. "Letting your guard down is honorable..." There's this underlying rule that it's not cool to show emotions, especially negative ones. It truly is honorable to trust another person with what you feel. And it's more honorable to take angry or sad emotions and change it into something positive. It's funny too because I immediately didn't like the song when YouTube suggested it to me, but I felt it when I heard J Cole's part. It wasn't something that came with no thought, and with that I leave you this mess]